on the days you want to quit.

monday was a hard day, for no reason other than it’s half-way through the quarter, i’m a student again for the first time in 15 years, i didn’t get enough solo time this weekend and, well, i’m human. my insecurities hit toward the end of my afternoon class and i cried all the way to the bus. and once the faucet is on, it’s on. i noticed a poster on a street corner looking for a lost 66-year-old man with dementia. that really sent me over the edge.

i wrote a list once i got on the bus.

it’s titled: on the days you want to quit.

  • cry
  • run
  • put a good song on repeat
  • eat something healthy + fulfilling (warm in the winter, cold in the summer)
  • know that if you didn’t have a few days like this, you wouldn’t be pushing hard enough.
  • no one said it was going to be easy. ha.

the last one made me chuckle. when i first moved to san francisco, i had a roll of butcher paper on the wall of my room. at some point, i wrote “no one said it was going to be easy” amidst random notes and reminders. i fell into a particularly dark period of depression right around the same time and i remember my roommate at the time saying to me, “you know, no one said it was going to be easy.” i looked at him with a blank stare. it was so blunt that i laughed. “what?” he said. “you have it written right there on the wall.”

the cry helped. the run helped. the music helped. the food helped. i know that there will be days when those things won’t help. but having some sort of hope, some kind of optimism that you’ll make it through, that helps, too.

so here’s to pushing on.

P.S. serendipitously, this song is randomly on my speakers right now and it just feels fitting.

 

run run + tunes.

running comes in waves for me. sometimes i don’t feel like it… at all. other times, it’s my solace. when i’m in it, i’m able to work through the things weighing heavily on my shoulders. one foot after the other. bird by bird.

this image was taken saturday at mile 7.5.

beach

and are you ready for some eclectic tunes? the following beats kept me trucking. listen in entirety on spotify.

i just wanna love u – jay-z
wake up – arcade fire
casa bey – mos def
so far to go – common
we found love – rihanna
wide awake – katy perry
sunshine – little dragon
valentine – jessie ware + sampha
garden – totally enormous extinct dinosaurs
strobe – friendly fires
anything could happen – ellie goulding
suit + tie – justin timberlake
say that – toro y moi
car song – spank rock + santogold
listen!!! – talib kweli
when i’m small – phantogram

inspired by: kite hill.

AMO introduced me to this lovely hilltop park in the castro a while ago. there’s a sneaky pathway between two hillside houses on 19th street, so sneaky that you might not know that it leads to anything in particular (part of why i love it so much). i’m usually more than winded after all those f*&#*ing SF hills, looking at my feet with my hands on my hips, telling my legs to climb just a little farther. but when the path opens up into a wild green patch tucked into city blocks with views of twin peaks in one direction, market street, downtown and the bay in the other, it’s so worth the short climb.